It’s been a while since I have posted anything here. I find the few moments I spend here cathartic and therapeutic. I don’t know how often, but I hope to post something related to this Lent Season daily over the next 40 days.

In This Sacred Space…

In the quiet space where the truth is kept,
Beneath the stories that others tell,
The world may look through fractured glass,
Rewriting seasons you weathered alone,
heartbeats unheard and unknown.

So let your breath settle deep in your chest,
A soft, steady anchor in turbulent seas;
Wrap yourself now in a mantle of grace,
Compassion for them, and a fire for you;
In this sacred space of your inner space,

There’s a Witness who walked through the night,
And mends every vessel the world sought to break.
He counts every tear as a pearl for His crown,
He hears the unspoken, the “Why?” and the “When?”
To whisper your name His “beloved” again

So settle your soul in this holy embrace,
With the Mother of Sorrows who stands by your side;
You are strengthened in love and anointed in grace,
One with the Father, the Spirit, and Son,
In the heart of the Risen and Merciful Lord.

February 14th was my birthday but as soon as my birthday came I was reminded of Ash Wednesday. The image of tending to a garden comes to mind. When tending to our own garden we pull up weeds and start the pruning process. That which is not producing life and sniffling growth gets uprooted and weeded out so that the garden can grow in all its beauty. When we enter into a season of penance and the dying to self, Ash Wednesday starts with death and penance but culminates in the resurrection. We might look at what is and feel pain and sorrow because what we might have hoped for is actually dying. To some death is an end to others death is the beginning. Death comes before the resurrection. So, can we embrace death? Can we befriend death? “for the message about the cross is foolishness to the perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” 1 Cor 1:18

So maybe, what is dying or coming to an end is for the glory of God.

My story and my experiences are what they are. I can’t put a “positive spin” on something to create a facade in order for some to be comfortable. I don’t write about my experiences with an attitude of the world owing me. I write to express my heart. My heart that feels deeply and so often misunderstood. I write my truth and my truth is hard to take in. Maybe my truth is an inconvenience to those who have the luxury of living in denial. Some need experiences to be remembered in a way that is more palpable. Truth is the genesis of healing. Truth isn’t always comfortable. Truth sometimes hurts. Lies and toxic shame only holds one captive with an inability to be free. Kicking and screaming I fight against everything holding me captive. Alas, I will be free! If I dare to let go, I will be free!

February 4th, just a little over two years ago, I was involved in a near-fatal motor vehicle accident. I write what I write because my near-death experience has changed everything! It changed how I relate to the world around me. I lost everything! This Ash Wednesday I am gaining hope that in the loss of everything I have gained so much more. I am discovering what is for me to hold onto and what is for me to let go. Grief is what it is. This is a normal part of human existence. Grief is complicated.

I posted a pic of me and my twin brother sitting with a birthday cake and two candles lit. When your birthday falls on a holiday, especially one that lands on Valentines Day it can be difficult. Valentines Day is for couples in love. And that’s a beautiful thing. Life is too short not to celebrate your love.

My birthdays are just not the same anymore. I think of my two older sisters who are twins. I think of the one who passed and the other who survived. I can’t imagine life without my twin. Such sorrow too much to bear. So this year I wanted to hold on just a little tighter, to cherish the moment. I posted a pic of me and my twin. Because of this natural ebb and flow of seasons, life happens. I don’t remember the last time I had a birthday dinner on our birthday with my twin brother. I mean, with a birthday cake and candles lit. Am I the only one who longs for more simpler times? Last year I was going through things. The year before that our sister had passed. The year before that I was recovering from my accident. Before that was Covid. Life happens! Love is to be intentional and so I was intentional to take in the moment. To hold on because each day is a gift. Our siblings are a gift. I suppose we can always choose to accept or reject that gift. It’s a gift, no obligation one way or the other.

I am allowed to feel how I feel. I looked death square in the face. What I write is not misery. What I write is about hope! It is to acknowledge a painful reality that comes through extreme circumstances. One that would end most people. It is for me to say, “ya, I lived through all of that”. It is also to say that, not only did I live through all of that but I am a survivor. It is to give hope to others experiencing the same. Many won’t understand but my story is not for those who can’t or won’t understand. My story is for those who unfortunately do understand.

I’m allowed to grieve. I’m allowed to hold two realities in one. The first being that I am grieving and the other to experience joy, gratitude, and thanksgiving. This is to be human! And to be human is to be fully alive.

As soon as my birthday came I was reminded that we were approaching Ash Wednesday. With each passing year, as we get older we come to reckon with our mortality. Death creeps closer but as death creeps closer the unknown draws nearer. We can be fearful of the unknown or we can embrace the unknown.

I have faith that death isn’t the end. It is the beginning.