I’ve been on this recovery journey. Near death experiences will change you. The experience itself will cause everything to bubble up. What will come up is not rainbows, sunshine, and lollipops. Often times what comes up is the furthest thing from what is wholesome.

When it comes to my mental health struggles I make no apology. And when I say mental health struggles it is PTSD and suicidal ideation, depression. When a person is struggling with these things they are vulnerable and what might save a life are compassionate responses with empathy and a whole lot of grace and in this the hurting can hear what is true and begin to live in what is true. And in this choose life!

Sometimes the difference between life and death are the words that are spoken. When I needed a compassionate response with empathy I heard words like, “you are one sob story after another” and I heard the symptoms of my mental health being called “wicked behaviour” and I was told, “you live in a constant state of misery and look for someone else to blame” and I was told, “newsflash, nobody feels sorry for you”. Some of this is true and some of it is not.

Being on the receiving end of these messages is unfortunately a very common experience for many and especially for those who are struggling with significant mental health issues. It is comments like this or the fear of receiving comments like this that cause people to shut down and not reach out for help. I’m tired of people asking why this person or that person didn’t reach out and ask for help. I am tired of people sending out messages of “Lets talk” if finding compassionate care or finding someone to talk to is just not there or… you have to weed through toxic messages to finally get help. I’m thankful that I had a few people I could call because their truth-filled compassionate and empathic responses enabled me to see the truth, to know the truth, to accept the truth, and even hold myself accountable where needed. This is the way! I write this because I want the next person who might read this to know they are not alone. That I understand. I can sit here with you in this moment, in your darkest hour, and say to you that I hear you and am here with you.

So I find myself here during this Lent Season praying for God to grant me the grace to empty myself and not just to empty myself but to weed out everything that pulls me away from God and away from His truth. That my identity in Christ is strengthened so that I can continue to learn how to love myself. We can only love others as much as we can love ourselves.

I was listening to Chris Pratt and Mark Wahlberg utilize a prayer that Mother Olga had introduced in the Hallow App.

Empty me, Fill me, Use me

Empty me ~

Empty me of anything (and everything) that pulls me away from you God

Fill me ~

Fill me with your grace, your love, your presence, your Holy Spirit

Use me ~

Use my life, use it for your good, Lord

The focus for the next couple of weeks is in the first part of this prayer. “Empty me” Empty me of anything and everything that pulls me away from you God, whatever distraction, and anything that takes away from what you desire for me in my life for your good and your purpose.

This prayer takes courage because it calls us to humility. It calls us to reach inside and to look at what is… the good, the bad, the ugly … to look at it all. If we hope for God to fill us with His goodness we must first empty ourselves. Because here the accuser may come, the accuser will come… but here we can stand in truth. We can humbly say at the accuser, in response, “Yes, but Christ!” This is the scandal. The audacity to believe that Jesus would love a sinner like me and I can take every accusation whether true or false and lay it at the Cross of Christ.

The first step though, “Empty me, Lord”